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| Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Clean out... Writer : Sylvy SohClean out... Plug out... Tune in. How do you close a chapter of your life that you aren't prepared to end? I hate packing. Although it does feel good to tidy up and file everything in proper order once in a while (and for me, it is often a very occasional once-in-a-while), I am more or less, comfortable in a tolerable mess.  Eight months in Perth, three months out. But a peaceful, seemingly uneventful holiday is coming to an end soon, and I feel more than a twinge of reluctance for it to end. Mr Samsonite beckons greenly to me from behind my bathroom door, reminding me that soon it will be time to lug him out and feed him my clothes, shoes and other oddities that I insist on carrying back and forth with me every time I shuttle back and forth from home and Perth. In the meantime, time is running out as I frantically tinkle the keyboard and hope to come up with something more than readable for my first journalogue entry, and I think of all the Appointments that I haven't un-KIVed Bloated cardboard boxes A bursting valve Of emotional discontent And I wishfully wish That the day had more than 24 hours And that I hadn't kept time waiting The next few years, which I have mentally sliced up to be in blocks of university/summer holidays seem to stretch before me. I am only at the beginning of the line but I feel as if I have been doing this all my life. And the sense of heaviness can be overwhelming, knowing that your emotions are often held sway by the endless meetings, greetings and farewells of loved ones. Its hard to soar and flutter away When your heart's in cluttered disarray I should be embracing my life abroad with open arms and living life up "to the fullest". Because its true that that's what people who go abroad to work, or study do. The grass is always greener on the other side...at least, most Singaporeans think so when they venture to Australia, U.S. and the U.K. And I have enjoyed my one year abroad, and now I have two more years to look forward to as well. But...my heart still yearns. And it is terrible to yearn, because your heart-strings tug painfully when you know that you have to say good-bye to all that is familiar and that you enjoy. Because no matter how much more living abroad has to offer, home will always be where your family and loved ones are.  Baggage and unfinished matters Clutter the back of my mental space The wistful stares of a lover The mournful eye of man's best friend In retrospect, I realise how different my life is at the present moment, compared to five years,three years and even a year ago. God has led me through different doors, over tiny and fair-sized slopes. I've gotten a few scratches along the way and sunk into mini-abysses... but I have come out of all of them, none the worse, yet I cannot say I am unchanged. The beauty of God, in the process of molding and shaping that he puts you through when you submit bit by bit of your life to him, is the subtlety of it all. For God understands the very parts of your being that you might not even be aware of… there is so much complexity to a human being, and all of us are diamonds, pure and uncut, but soiled by the muddy soil and choked by strangling weeds that spring up all around us, as our lives get more and more complicated. And as I stand, stranded in my piles of clothes and boxes and books, I realise that all the mess is a pitiful allegory of my inner being. I have piles of rubbish that accumulate and get swept to a corner of my heart. My heart is almost like a giant storage box, because I keep so many things inside and sometimes, these things are left unsorted, or unfulfilled. And of late, a painful twinge stings me as these things slide around and bump into the corners, reminding me that I have only one life, and there is so much, so much left undone. Between my longing to hold close and keep forever all that is familiar and comfortable, and my desire to step out in faith and experience the life God intends for me to live, I do find it, very hard indeed, to sit down and really meditate on what I really want to get out of this life. And when I do, it is always a humbling experience for me, because I realise that my limited human capacity simply cannot comprehend the enormity, and awesomeness of God's love for me, and how He will even guide me through this life and set me free from the ball and chains of faithlessness, the insipidness of indifference, and the very thing that I fear greatly of succumbing to: falling into irreversible despair within myself. But I guess He knew that I would come into danger of all of that, so he placed a loving reminder in Scripture: "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." – Hebrews 4:15-16  I am still putting together little pieces of the Great Jigsaw puzzle of life. It is so easy for one's eyes to fall inward and see all that is in disrepair or problematic; it is so hard for the mind, in all its meagreness to comprehend the glory and beautiful ending that we are running toward. But when you have words of love written like that, for you, to you, especially for you, how can you not have hope? So I want to embrace the next few years of my life as much as I can. Come what may, indeed... My Saviour will be exploring uncharted lands with me and bearing me over those impossibly high mountains! All of this can only happen if I choose to leave my comfort zone behind. And as for my bonds with the people back here, I pray that my ties with them will never be severed. The wire might go through short fuses and occasional disconnections, but the core, which is Love, will always be there to bind us together. -- First published Mar/Apr 04 under the Journalogue. Revised and edited 290306.
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